Where were You in my trauma?

I was doing a prayer meditation, where I visualized God, the Father holding my hand and walking through my old house, where most of my abuse and trauma happened. When I sat in silence, I fiercely asked Papa through tears “Where Were You?”

At that moment a tremendous storm with wind, pouring rain and lightning came. I felt at that moment, as if God the Father was sitting with me, holding my hand and said “This is how mad I was at what was happening to you!!”

It made me think He was giving me His deep personal response. It’s as if Papa was saying, I was not indifferent. I was with you. I was furious at what happened to you, and I still am. But I am here, walking with you now, holding your hand.

Does God the Father have feelings?

It seems He hates what wounded me, not in a humanly unpredictable way, but in a way that affirms His justice, His love for me, and His desire for healing.

I felt loved, at peace, and comforted after such an intense experience. Papa wasn’t just showing me His anger at what happened, He was also embracing me in it. He didn’t just acknowledge the pain; He held me through it.

The shift in my heart was gentle, deep, and ongoing. I noticed in the coming days that something felt different, perhaps a greater sense of safety with Papa, a deeper validation of my story, and a subtle release of something I hadn’t realized I was carrying.

My memory is fragmented and unclear, so in my next meditation I felt brave and vulnerable enough to ask Papa the question I have been wrestling with for years, “Did the abuse and trauma really happen?”

I know trauma often causes the mind to protect itself by suppressing or distorting certain experiences, making it difficult to fully recall details. And yet, the emotional and bodily memories remain.

I still felt Papa’s peaceful presence and He was holding my hand, but I heard no words. I began to feel myself shift from getting proof to trusting, yet, I also began to feel the same doubt creeping in, so I squeezed His Hand hard and said “Papa, help me trust that what I experienced is real, even if I can’t remember all of it.”

In that moment I truly believed my body, emotions, and spirit, even if my mind doesn’t have a clear narrative, really all carry the truth.

So, instead of needing absolute clarity, maybe Papa’s invitation to me is to rest in the assurance that He knows the impact of what I lived through is real and I can be at peace with that!