I put down my armor. I chose to wish again.

This is my second time going through the KNOWN program. The first time through, the Wish List was the assignment that I initially refused to do. I struggled with sharing that part of my heart because of years of disappointment after disappointment.

The inner monologue went something like this: "I can't want things. When I do, only disappointment and heartbreak follow. Everything gets taken away from me. You never give me what I really want. Why would I bother to write them down? Pointless!"

When I brought this struggle up to my counselor, she encouraged me to go back to this exercise, and eventually I did. This exercise was the one that asked me to lower my defenses and take off the armor around my heart that the years of hurt had firmly welded in place. The Father asked me to let Him be the safe place for the desires of my heart.

When Isaac said to the group, "The healing doesn't come from getting the wish. Healing comes from sharing these wishes in relationship with the Father" - it truly touched my heart. That message perfectly aligned with what the Father wanted to share with me through the exercise. He wanted to illuminate my rusty, old armor, help me to see how He was there to share in my grief, and even (gently) challenge me to change in the face of difficult relationships. There were so many things on my wish list where I (fully clad in my armor) was the barrier to getting them.

When I sat with my list and the security of the Father sharing in it, I started to dream again and to feel that more than constant struggle was possible.

Sharing this has caused me to reflect on my previous journey and flip through my journal. One of the most affirming discoveries I had then was that most of my list had to do with seeking order and security, that I wanted to feel safe and loved, and that the Father knows this because He was the one that made my heart this way.

My desires spring from His creation, and my heart is the place He desires for me to share with him.