I can't visualize memories. I almost gave up.

This is a hard week. I have never been "good" at visual meditations.

My first time going through KNOWN, I went into this week with tentative hope. It was far from a healing experience. I couldn't visually picture the Father, and the thought of him touching me made me cringe. I was restless and uncomfortable, and was never led into a memory.

The despair I felt is hard to put into words. It seemed like I was showing up and choosing trust for the first time ever, and it was met with total rejection. It was beautiful to hear stories of the Lord working in the lives of my small group members, but it also hurt. Lord, why do you love them and not me? I was so heartbroken and almost quit.

It wasn't until week 13 (yes, that's after the program ended) that I felt the Father's attentive love in a totally personal way. A story for another day.

This time through KNOWN, I went into the meditation with an open mind. It wasn't any different.

I still can't picture the Father well. I still don't feel comfortable or relaxed. I still haven't felt guided into a memory. The only difference is my heart's response.

I can handle the disappointment because I know the Father loves me. I believe to my core that he is good and so am I. I trust that he can - and WILL - make all things new. I can rest in that.

It's astonishing to write this and truly believe it. ln under a year, the disposition of my heart has shifted. My skepticism, resentment, and bitterness were replaced by - as St. Therese would say - confidence even unto audacity in the goodness of our Father. That's work only he can do.

I'm just so grateful I didn't walk away!